You cannot buy a toothbrush any more without a tongue cleaner.   What the fruck is that about? (I’m so annoyed by this that I didn’t even use the TLA (Three Letter Acronym) for WTF, my annoyance is long and extracted, not sort, angry and capitalised. Also, I made a typo, but I liked it so much I’m going to stick with it).

Well there was one but it was a soft toothbrush. What’s the frucking point of that?? You couldn’t clean custard off a carving knife with a bloody SOFT toothbrush… (now my ire is rising, and with it, the capitalisation comes… the capitalisation always comes…).

I like a hard toothbrush, except they don’t call it that any more on the packaging. Maybe “hard” has too many sexual connotations. So now it’s soft, medium, and “firm”… maybe hard didn’t have enough sexual connotations?

Why the hell would I want a clean tongue? I’m meant to be a comedian! FRucking toothbrush technology, always trying to one up each other. “New deep throat scraper, for the porn star within”. It’s a frucking brush!

So I had to get one and it’s AWFUL – it’s a bit of textured rubber on the back of the brushhead and when you’re brushing it squeaks across your cheek or your other teeth.. Urghuhuh… it makes me shudder.

I have a bit of a thing about rubber. Not a good thing. I can’t stand rubber gloves or anything like that, it’s the smell that lingers on your hands no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and scrape and soak and boil and burn and peel… “Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this stink clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas en-stench…”

Latex is ok though thankfully, just in case you were worried. Although, what the fruck is with condoms?! Are they designed to make men look completely unco? If there us one point in the whole mating game where you don’t want to get embarrassed… that is it. First you have to get into the packet, and guys usually don’t have fingernails so that’s not as easy as it looks, then you have to work out which way it rolls – cos I can tell you from experience that trying to roll it the wrong way is not fun. Then it rolls about that far down and you’re like, is it secure? Should I leave it there? Will it catch on something and get left inside like a gumboot in the mud.

No, you can’t leave it there, you need to secure it properly, so you get your fingers under it – and this is where if you do have fingernails you’re in the shit – and stretch it down so it make that shlup-snap noise we associate with sitcom characters going through airport security…

You’d think they would come up with some better way… You’re always hearing ads about newfangled ways to insert tampons! As far as I can tell they have things called applicators which are just used to get it up there and then they break away, just like the main launch rockets of the space shuttle. We need to get some of those tampon and toothbrush technicians to tackle the todger topper.

I attacked my toothbrush with some nail clippers. No more tongue cleaner. It was still weird so I bought an electric toothbrush.

In other bathroom news, my girlfriend bought me a shower scrub shaped like Shaun the Sheep from Wallace and Gromit. It was very cute up until the moment I washed with it. The googly eyes now stare at me in accusatory shock. I tried turning him around so he wasn’t looking at me, but that seemed even worse when I had to wash my… latex holder…

Today you have learnt things about me you did not want to know. So have I my friend, so have I.

Strangely Nikolai