I know you probably don’t believe this happened because it is kind of unlikely that I have 5 friends – but this was on facebook so they’re “friends” in the facebook sense (j/k – you guys are all my real friends really. really really.).

So I bet you’re reading that and thinking I’m the baddie in that conversation. I am weird cos I don’t think bacon is “all that and a bag of pork scratchings”. But what happens if you replace the words bacon and kransky with “women” and “men”? or “christianity” and “buddhism”? Suddenly the table is turned and YOU ALL ARE BIGOTS!!! Suck on that – bacon lovers.

No, this is not me coming out in the man-loving or buddhist way (I’ve always thought you could be a buddhist and christian without any conflict – as long as you ignore the Church. I make it a point to ignore Churches – with a big C = institution, with a little c = buildings. I don’t ignore the buildings… that would be silly).

This is just me saying that this bacon obsession is a bit much. Sure, bacon is nice with some things. Bacon is ok. But the rampant bacon zealotry and  idolotry is just way over the top. Leave it alone now please! I’ve had enough.  I’m sure that some people treat it as an “ironic” commentary on the zealotry of other ideologies/pop culture/etc… but most people actually believe it now – and if you try and hide behind the term “post-ironic” you are just a pretentious idiot.

“It’s just an internet meme Nikolai, don’t fucking take it too seriously”. Damn you, I fucking well will fucking take it too fucking seriously – THAT IS WHAT I DO! And seriously, if you don’t think kransky > bacon there is something wrong with you. ;-p

Strangely Nikolai

Click the pic to see how Big Bird accuses Darth Vader of being a Goth who needs to go to a Rave and drop some pills… I can totally imagine Darth Vader as a DJ.

In other Darth Vader news, the voice himself, James Earl Jones received an honorary Oscar. Well done and well deserved.

This is not it. This is a different Oscar. But it ties back to the original pic you see. Spooky.

Strangely Nikolai

Well there was one but it was a soft toothbrush. What’s the frucking point of that?? You couldn’t clean custard off a carving knife with a bloody SOFT toothbrush… (now my ire is rising, and with it, the capitalisation comes… the capitalisation always comes…).

I like a hard toothbrush, except they don’t call it that any more on the packaging. Maybe “hard” has too many sexual connotations. So now it’s soft, medium, and “firm”… maybe hard didn’t have enough sexual connotations?

Why the hell would I want a clean tongue? I’m meant to be a comedian! FRucking toothbrush technology, always trying to one up each other. “New deep throat scraper, for the porn star within”. It’s a frucking brush!

So I had to get one and it’s AWFUL – it’s a bit of textured rubber on the back of the brushhead and when you’re brushing it squeaks across your cheek or your other teeth.. Urghuhuh… it makes me shudder.

I have a bit of a thing about rubber. Not a good thing. I can’t stand rubber gloves or anything like that, it’s the smell that lingers on your hands no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and scrape and soak and boil and burn and peel… “Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this stink clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas en-stench…”

Latex is ok though thankfully, just in case you were worried. Although, what the fruck is with condoms?! Are they designed to make men look completely unco? If there us one point in the whole mating game where you don’t want to get embarrassed… that is it. First you have to get into the packet, and guys usually don’t have fingernails so that’s not as easy as it looks, then you have to work out which way it rolls – cos I can tell you from experience that trying to roll it the wrong way is not fun. Then it rolls about that far down and you’re like, is it secure? Should I leave it there? Will it catch on something and get left inside like a gumboot in the mud.

No, you can’t leave it there, you need to secure it properly, so you get your fingers under it – and this is where if you do have fingernails you’re in the shit – and stretch it down so it make that shlup-snap noise we associate with sitcom characters going through airport security…

You’d think they would come up with some better way… You’re always hearing ads about newfangled ways to insert tampons! As far as I can tell they have things called applicators which are just used to get it up there and then they break away, just like the main launch rockets of the space shuttle. We need to get some of those tampon and toothbrush technicians to tackle the todger topper.

I attacked my toothbrush with some nail clippers. No more tongue cleaner. It was still weird so I bought an electric toothbrush.

In other bathroom news, my girlfriend bought me a shower scrub shaped like Shaun the Sheep from Wallace and Gromit. It was very cute up until the moment I washed with it. The googly eyes now stare at me in accusatory shock. I tried turning him around so he wasn’t looking at me, but that seemed even worse when I had to wash my… latex holder…

Today you have learnt things about me you did not want to know. So have I my friend, so have I.

Strangely Nikolai

But seriously now (<<classic segue right there) it was madness, every fourth person we saw was pregnant, every third person has at least one child in tow and every second person we saw was smoking. Which, if you do the math, might suggest that every 24th person was pregnant, with more children in tow, and smoking. Which is about right…

We went to the “Gorilla Encounter”. What a fucking ridiculous name – it wasn’t an “encounter”, it was more  ”gawk at the sleeping gorillas through the glass”. Anyway as we were walking in with all the chavs I was thinking – who would win in the fight between a chav and a gorilla. Well, it has to be the gorilla doesn’t it. And then I figure the gorilla would also win in the categories of IQ and beauty.

The zoo was nice though, just the bloody people. Which is what you can say about London in general…

Something else I saw today – at the other end of the social sprectrum – not someone walking their dog in their car, but this is the picture I found. No, it was two young girls on their bikes – with their mum driving along next to them. Not fast – barely more than walking pace.

There are 4 things that bothered me about this.
1) How fucking lazy do you have to be to DRIVE along while your daughters go for a bike ride? Well, maybe, just maybe, you have a broken leg and can’t walk or ride along with them… but then…
2) How fucking paranoid do you have to be to insist on driving along with your daughters when they go for a bike ride? This is not Harlem or Essex I’m talking about here – this is fucking Walton-on-Thames, where every house has an acre and a half, at least two cars and one of them is normally a porsche. Athough if you google Walton-on-Thames you might find a story about Milly Dowler…
3) Not only were the girls riding on the pavement and getting in the pedestrians way, the car was driving at less than 5mph and getting in the traffics way.
4) The girls weren’t wearing helmets! Come on now, if you’re going to be overbearing paranoid lazy rich fuckwit parents, at least make your children wear helmets.

While googling I found this story. I love his quote at the end – read it with a Souf London accent “I’m not boverred…”. I do like most english people. Really. Well, at least 15% of them…

Strangely Nikolai

Normally if I was having a bad day, I’d get angry at something random and do a hate-rant about it which would be nice and cathartic – but today… today is different. Rather than talk about hate, let us just notice some of the cooler things people come up with…

This is genius

Here’s another genius thing I found last night after swimming at the pool. There is some possibility I may get made fun of here in the vein of “OMG, I can’t believe you’ve never seen those before, they’re like, sooo common right now… you n00b” but I have never seen these before and I think they are absolute genius. What is the worst thing about trying to make going to the pool a habit?? If you said “carrying around your wet togs afterwards” then you are correct! If you said anything else, – Sorry, Not a winning ticket.

So they have these machines in the changing room which you put your togs into and it a motor spins them round until they are practically dry. Amazing! And free.

Actually the worst thing about swimming might be foot/calf cramp… Should a cramp last more than a day? Should I be worried?

Strangely Nikolai

Everyone loves hummous, it’s the new middle class way of saying “look at me, I’m worldly and culturally sophisticated”. Seriously. Yes it’s tasty, but OMG (this is a sarcastic OMG btw… hmm I need punctuation for that…) I think you’re reading a leetle too much into it. You are eating food from a country most people haven’t been to – woop-de-fucking-shit…

And SUPER SUPER exciting it’s healthy and made from chickpeas which again are mostly eaten in foreignland. It’s a housewife hippie’s dream! Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m not hatin’ on the chickpeas – although I can’t think of anything else they are good in. Actually without chickpeas hummous would just be tahini. Which is awful by itself. Just no. Tahini is like shrimp paste or fish sauce (if you have not discovered the wonders of shrimp paste then you are missing out my friend…), it is great for flavouring other stuff, but by itself it is wrong. So very wrong.

I suppose it is the “housewife hippy” factor that irks me. You know the type, everything they cook has to be some crazy combination of weird foods they have “discovered” (nevermind the millenia of widespread use by johnny foreigner). Moroccan food seems to be the latest thing…

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Moroccan food can be very good – I have never been to Morocco, it used to be high up my list of places to visit, but all the Moroccan food I get served tastes to me exactly what I imagine Morocco is like – which is quickly downgrading Morocco on my list. What? That’s unfair isn’t it?? What I mean is that my imagination of cleverly spiced Moorish lamb and beef dishes is being replaced with the image of mouldy old camel meat spiced mostly with sand, and perhaps the dung of an animal that chewed some chillis once. And cinnamon. Way too much cinnamon. Or just incorrectly cooked cinnamon…

Back to hoummus and what set me off on this particular rant. I was in London the other day and wanted to get some food when a friend suggested going to “Hummus Bros”. Really?? A place that pretty much just serves hummus… I don’t call that a restaurant, I call it a salad bar. Hummus is a DIP, not a meal. What about the other equally (or even more) fantastic dips that are out there, tzatziki? taramasalata? fucking maggi-onion-soup-and-reduced-cream? Why did they not make the cut? What if I want something more substantial, huh??

At this point some self-important vegetarian~~ will say “Well, you can’t expect to go to a restaurant call Hummus Bros and get steak can you? hur hur”

At which point I will exclaim “Ha!” and jump up and point at them and say “Yes exactly, you have just fallen into my trap, you vegephillic freak! Next time you come into the SteakHouse or the BarAndGrill where I am eating and bemoan the lack of vegetarian options – you will be summarily taken out the back and shot… with that statement as your tacit agreement of these terms.”

Strangely Nikolai

I was asked to fill the spot at the very last minute which is why I wrote notes on my hand – just taking inspiration from what the other comedians had been talking about

Um… probably don’t watch this if you are my mother…

Not to mention the fucking prices and ridiculous sizes. Do you actually get more coffee when you go from the the tall to the venti or do they just fill it up with more milk. If I wanted a cup of milk I would have bloody asked for a cup of milk. I don’t like milk, but lets not get into that whole shitfight (I’m no coffee “purist” – I use sugar).

You’d think making a coffee without milk would be simpler. Ah, no. That’s where you’d be wrong. The thing about the milk is that it disguises most fuckups you make in grinding, tamping and pulling the coffee (technical terms. Can I be bothered explaining them? Not really… look here ). But to be honest, you don’t have to be that pernickity – it’s not fucking rocket science! Just keep your machine clean and you’ll mostly be ok.

So my drink of choice is a “long black”. This is really something that is only available in New Zealand (and perhaps Australia). Blah blah blah, New Zealand has some of the best coffee in the world (it’s true – I’d rate it third in the world behind Portugal and Italy) blah blah blah. Basically it’s a double espresso with some hot water added, but not as much hot water as an Americano. Often I will get an Americano when I ask for a long black and that really twists my tits. Is it really that different??? YES IT FUCKING IS!! Somewhere in between the two coffee turns from creamy coffee goodness to bitter hot water. (Actually this wikipedia page suggest it may be to do with the order you do things… hmmm… I still like a bit less hot water so 1) it is stronger and 2) it doesn’t spill over the edge and scald you. When I started getting longer hot blacks I learnt to ask for a short long – or a schlong as one of my regular barristas  called it).

Anyway a design fault of the normal coffee paper cups is that if you put hot water in it, the curly brim starts to soften, especially around the vertical seam. And if, as seems to happen a disproportionate number of times (Come on barristas! It’s like you don’t even drink coffee. You should not be allowed to do that job if you don’t drink coffee), the lid is place with the seam facing you as you drink, it will then drip hot scalding coffee on you hand. What. The. Fuck. The paper coffee cup is specifically designed for one fucking purpose. To hold hot drinks, and enable safe drinking. This is one SERIOUS design flaw.

Also I JUST noticed something about me. Have a close look at that lid – there’s a hole for drinking and a tiny hole at the other end to let the air in while you are drinking so that it pours freely. Lately I’ve been getting coffee lids where, when I drink, my giant schnozz of a nose blocks the air intake and creates a vacuum inside the cup, which when suddenly released, causes the coffee to splash up, out of the cup, onto my hands, shirt, face, whatever…. that is my excuse anyway.

By the way, click the image above to link to someone else’s coffee cup blog complaints.

Strangely Nikolai

My grandmother is fantastic. She’s ninety something and just a little bit racist in that ironic-I’m-an-immigrant-so-I’m-allowed-to-be way. Most grandparents are a little bit racist I think, but she has an excuse. Ha. Suck on that… Who am I talking to? You. Everyone. I bet your grandparents weren’t refugees escaping a war-torn country’s miltary junta, leaving all their worldy possessions except what they could hide in their underwear (in her case – rubies. Nice job Grandmama!! I bet that was uncomfortable)… Actually that’s more likely than I initially thought… Well. Good on you then. Feel special now do we?

No, I’m talking about random old people. Old people you don’t know. In the street. Walking at a snails pace. Getting in your way. Taking up all the bus seats (one more reason to hate the loser cruiser). Stinking of pee. WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING OLD PEOPLE?

Well, today the tables were turned. I got told off for getting in a old persons way on the footpath. What?!? How did that happen? Were you dawdling, was it SuperGran?

No, it was just a grumpy old man on a mobility scooter. Apparently in the 3 metres I came out of the coffee shop and walked towards my work, I stopped him passing me “FOUR BLOODY TIMES! WOULD YOU BLOODY WELL DECIDE WHICH WAY YOU ARE GOING?”. Heh. Take that old people. Just some of the frustration the rest of us feel walking behind you. Just cos your legs don’t work anymore doesn’t mean you have to race along the footpath.

I’m not going to be an old man like that. I will get someone to deliver my groceries and spend all my time in my “curio shop” which will be called “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” (guess why?)

Strangely Nikolai

The cravings are starting now, and not too difficult to deal with now – but pretty soon I’ll be hallucinating squirrels and sweating peanut butter, those squirrels love the peanut butter… nutty goodness… mmmm…

We give this stuff to babies for Jim’s sake! What is in this stuff that we force into babies mouths? Actually the stuff I have is the “adult” bonjela. I didn’t even know you could get “adult” bonjela. What is the difference I hear you asking? Or do I hear you asking? Are the hallunications[sic] starting already? Is there some illicit/alcoholic substance in it. Are the Bonjela hallucinations adult-themed? Do the adult themed hallucinations involve Bonjela? That’s a level of kinky that surpasses even me – but because I’ve thought of it, it must exist. There’s a rule.

Well, I don’t know!! “It’s a mystery…“, he says in a whispered tone. I can’t even look at the tube, as I don’t have the tube with me. I could google it, but sometimes I like to keep a little mystery in my life…

And it STINGS. It stings so good. How do babies stand it? Are these teething toddlers terrified of this terrible toothgel, or do they, like me, treasure the titillating tingle and tantalising taste??

I don’t know – but I don’t have any. And I want some. I’m jonesing…

Strangely Nikolai