Strange Nikolai

not a stormtrooper

Archive for the month “February, 2011”

What I hate today… menial workers

Is it politically correct to say Menial Workers? Do I care about political correctness? Not really, but I do care about being mean… this is not a class thing, I don’t hate all blue-collar type workers, there are specific people that are driving them up the wall, and they just happen to fit into the menial worker category…. or do they? I just thought of another person…

So. What brought this up? I hear you asking with baited breath and a sense of eager expectation normally reserved for those special nights when you know you’ll have the house to yourself and have found out the PIN code for the adult channels… Nothing quite that exciting I’m afraid – just this.

Every day, at work, I go to go to the loo. I walk maybe 100 metres down the corridor. And the toilets are closed for cleaning. Every. Day. Not every time I want to go to the toilet, just once each day. Around 1pm. Now before we explore the ‘what-the-fuck’-edness of this, let us address the concern that I may be meticulously time-planning my toliet breaks. I’m not. I usually go to the loo just before or after eating my lunch (don’t worry, I wash my hands), and it’s one of those weird co-incidences that whenever this happens, I look at my watch and it’s 1pm.

So back to the WTF!?! I like that our toilet is being cleaned every day, but who’s fukcing BRILLIANT idea was to time that for the middle of the work day. Around lunchtime. Every other office I have worked in has been cleaned after hours. This works for me. They have a job to do, but with just a little thought, they could make their job more efficient and not fuck with other people’s day.

And this is where I think, well yes, but why do you suppose they’re a cleaner in the first place? People who can think can generally get a better job…

Apply this same thing to glassies at a bar (if there is liquid in the vessel and someone sitting next to it, DON’T fucking pick it up), store workers at an electronics shop (if you don’t know the answer, DON’T fucking lie to me – I will come back and complain and yell in your ugly face until it makes me feel better), and supermarket workers (just ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!) – not to mention bus/train drivers etc..

Hence the menial workers. But maybe I should have said “stupid lazy non-thinkers” in general. Because there are people in EVERY office I have worked in who drive me insane in the exact same way. These are the people who leave passive aggressive notes about not being your mother and cleaning your own coffee cup, and complain to anyone who will listen about how they fill and turn on the dishwasher every day… which they invariably seem to do at what time? Around 1pm. So, anyone eating lunch later than that CANNOT fucking put their fucking dishes in the fucking dishwasher because the fucking dishwasher is fucking turned on. Oh, and if there are no plates left and the dishwasher is on then you don’t even have the option of washing one for yourself. Oh well, I’ll just eat my hot soup out of my hands…

People are stupid. But I am happy.

Strangely Nikolai


Blog-existential Angst

When you haven’t blogged in a while you  feel like a guilty dog – I’ve just run mud all over the house, but I’m sidling up to you in the hope that you’ll feed me… It’s like the gym. The longer you’re away the harder it is to go back because then you’ll have to accept the guilt of not going, and then if you do go you try and do the weights you used to do and then you can’t walk for a week….

Anyway, so I was thinking about why I haven’t blogged, considering the MAJOR changes in my life recently, and what it came down to is that I haven’t really fully defined what this blog is all about. Hence the existential angst.

This is NOT particularly a blog about the ins and outs of my life, I’m not about to talk about what I had for breakfast or anything like that, but no doubt parts of my life will come into what I talk about. So the fact that I’ve just moved to the other side of the world, changing to the opposite season and timezone – not to mention the job and house change and all the little difficulties that go along with that (e.g. a month or so without my own internet) – well, this just hasn’t felt like the right place to bring that up.

This is NOT a geek-blog. While I am – in some respects – a geek. And often mention geeky things. So it’s a blog written by a geek, about geeky subjects, but not a geek-blog. So while I do have new toys (brand new windows 7 phone, brand new 40inch LED TV, brand new Skybox HD recorder etc…), and I do get excited by them, again, it doesn’t feel like the right place to talk about that.

So why do I blog? to amuse myself mostly, and hopefully amuse other people along the way. It’s a place to collect things I find funny, and rant or muse about things that happen to me in an attempt to generate comedy. I’m not sure I’ve explicitly mentioned it before in this blog, but I am a comedian. It feels weird to say that thought, like “am I allowed to claim that?”. Granted, I don’t do it professionally – in fact I’ve only been paid to do it a few times, and my last gig (yesterday) was pretty fucking dismal (the whole event was great, I just fell really flat), but, fuck it, I bloody well am a comedian. So there.

But this blog post is not funny. Meh. I don’t feel funny today. I didn’t feel funny yesterday either – which is a bit of a problem when you’re on a stage with a microphone. And the afterwards all the other comedians say things like “it wasn’t the right crowd for you” or “your material was good, but it looks like you let the nerves take over a bit” or “you’ve just got to keep trying”. Fuck off. All those things are probably true, but I never realised how fucking patronising they sound – especially as I’ve said them to other comedians. I know what I did. I fucked up. I went up to the organiser afterwards to say “sorry, I was shit” – he said something like “no, it’s just that everyone was doing one-liners and you were telling stories” – which was also true, but not the reason I was shit. I was just shit. I wasn’t looking for reassurance – I just wanted to apologise.

Nevermind, it’s good to be shit every now and then. Embrace the shittiness. Get motivation from being crap. Just like how I remembered what you have to do to be happy in London (where I have just moved – keep up). Look around at all the grumpy sour faced people, and be happy in spite of them… no, be happy JUST TO SPITE THEM. That’ll teach the fuckers. Put your headphones on with some happy music**, and say to yourself “Haha, I’m happier than all you cunts! Suck on that”. Get your strut on while walking down the street, do a little dance shuffle at the bus/train/tube station. It might make you feel silly – but it’s hard not be happy when you feel silly.

So I’m motivating myself – and perhaps I won’t be concerned so much at keeping this blog “pure” to it’s original purpose. I’ll try not to bore you. All of the “thousands” of you out there reading this.

Motivationally Strangely Nikolai.


** My advice for a happy life. Only have happy music on your mp3 player. No angry music (e.g. rap, heavy metal, punk), no sad music (emo, ballads etc..). You can listen to them at home or at the club with other people, but not by yourself. It’s not good for you.

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