Strange Nikolai

Blog-existential Angst

When you haven’t blogged in a while you  feel like a guilty dog – I’ve just run mud all over the house, but I’m sidling up to you in the hope that you’ll feed me… It’s like the gym. The longer you’re away the harder it is to go back because then you’ll have to accept the guilt of not going, and then if you do go you try and do the weights you used to do and then you can’t walk for a week….

Anyway, so I was thinking about why I haven’t blogged, considering the MAJOR changes in my life recently, and what it came down to is that I haven’t really fully defined what this blog is all about. Hence the existential angst.

This is NOT particularly a blog about the ins and outs of my life, I’m not about to talk about what I had for breakfast or anything like that, but no doubt parts of my life will come into what I talk about. So the fact that I’ve just moved to the other side of the world, changing to the opposite season and timezone – not to mention the job and house change and all the little difficulties that go along with that (e.g. a month or so without my own internet) – well, this just hasn’t felt like the right place to bring that up.

This is NOT a geek-blog. While I am – in some respects – a geek. And often mention geeky things. So it’s a blog written by a geek, about geeky subjects, but not a geek-blog. So while I do have new toys (brand new windows 7 phone, brand new 40inch LED TV, brand new Skybox HD recorder etc…), and I do get excited by them, again, it doesn’t feel like the right place to talk about that.

So why do I blog? to amuse myself mostly, and hopefully amuse other people along the way. It’s a place to collect things I find funny, and rant or muse about things that happen to me in an attempt to generate comedy. I’m not sure I’ve explicitly mentioned it before in this blog, but I am a comedian. It feels weird to say that thought, like “am I allowed to claim that?”. Granted, I don’t do it professionally – in fact I’ve only been paid to do it a few times, and my last gig (yesterday) was pretty fucking dismal (the whole event was great, I just fell really flat), but, fuck it, I bloody well am a comedian. So there.

But this blog post is not funny. Meh. I don’t feel funny today. I didn’t feel funny yesterday either – which is a bit of a problem when you’re on a stage with a microphone. And the afterwards all the other comedians say things like “it wasn’t the right crowd for you” or “your material was good, but it looks like you let the nerves take over a bit” or “you’ve just got to keep trying”. Fuck off. All those things are probably true, but I never realised how fucking patronising they sound – especially as I’ve said them to other comedians. I know what I did. I fucked up. I went up to the organiser afterwards to say “sorry, I was shit” – he said something like “no, it’s just that everyone was doing one-liners and you were telling stories” – which was also true, but not the reason I was shit. I was just shit. I wasn’t looking for reassurance – I just wanted to apologise.

Nevermind, it’s good to be shit every now and then. Embrace the shittiness. Get motivation from being crap. Just like how I remembered what you have to do to be happy in London (where I have just moved – keep up). Look around at all the grumpy sour faced people, and be happy in spite of them… no, be happy JUST TO SPITE THEM. That’ll teach the fuckers. Put your headphones on with some happy music**, and say to yourself “Haha, I’m happier than all you cunts! Suck on that”. Get your strut on while walking down the street, do a little dance shuffle at the bus/train/tube station. It might make you feel silly – but it’s hard not be happy when you feel silly.

So I’m motivating myself – and perhaps I won’t be concerned so much at keeping this blog “pure” to it’s original purpose. I’ll try not to bore you. All of the “thousands” of you out there reading this.

Motivationally Strangely Nikolai.

** My advice for a happy life. Only have happy music on your mp3 player. No angry music (e.g. rap, heavy metal, punk), no sad music (emo, ballads etc..). You can listen to them at home or at the club with other people, but not by yourself. It’s not good for you.