Strange Nikolai

not a stormtrooper

Archive for the month “March, 2011”

Bonjela. The unspoken addiction.

Nobody talks about it, but that doesn’t make it less real. It’s swept under the rug like stale cornchips when your mother-in-law is visiting. It’s conveniently ignored like the KY in the bathroom cabinet. It’s kept behind closed doors like the gimp in the guest room closet… It’s one of the most addictive substances I’ve ever come across, and it claims to be healing! and I left mine at work.

The cravings are starting now, and not too difficult to deal with now – but pretty soon I’ll be hallucinating squirrels and sweating peanut butter, those squirrels love the peanut butter… nutty goodness… mmmm…

We give this stuff to babies for Jim’s sake! What is in this stuff that we force into babies mouths? Actually the stuff I have is the “adult” bonjela. I didn’t even know you could get “adult” bonjela. What is the difference I hear you asking? Or do I hear you asking? Are the hallunications[sic] starting already? Is there some illicit/alcoholic substance in it. Are the Bonjela hallucinations adult-themed? Do the adult themed hallucinations involve Bonjela? That’s a level of kinky that surpasses even me – but because I’ve thought of it, it must exist. There’s a rule.

Well, I don’t know!! “It’s a mystery…“, he says in a whispered tone. I can’t even look at the tube, as I don’t have the tube with me. I could google it, but sometimes I like to keep a little mystery in my life…

And it STINGS. It stings so good. How do babies stand it? Are these teething toddlers terrified of this terrible toothgel, or do they, like me, treasure the titillating tingle and tantalising taste??

I don’t know – but I don’t have any. And I want some. I’m jonesing…

Strangely Nikolai


Cats vs. Dogs

I was going to make this a “what I hate today” because the idea came to me while I was dodging dog shit this morning. I HATE stepping in dog shit, but I don’t necessarily hate dogs. Stupid dogs maybe.

And let’s face it – dogs are stupider than cats. Granted there are some smart dogs out there – but the VAST majority are thick as dogshit. Thicker than the dosgshit I almost stepped in this morning (and every other morning this month). The smartest dog would be smarter than the stupidest cat… but it would be close.

Here are my criteria for owning a pet:

1. Some aspect of meaningful interaction (otherwise what is the point??). Rules out: spiders, snakes, ants, tamagochi, pet rocks etc…

2. Doesn’t make annoying noises. Rules out: Yappy dogs, birds – including chickens, ducks, parakeets…

3. I don’t have to pick up excrement. Rules out: Most animals and some people.

Actually that last one is probably the most important. Picking up shit is not something I will voluntarily introduce to my life.  Why do people put up with it?? So what options does that leave me? Well, goldfish (nice, but only marginally meets criteria 1) and cats (assuming I live somewhere where the cat can get outdoors). Luckily I quite like cats (I had a goldfish once called Morphine… he was less chilled out than you might imagine…)

I like dogs too, but only as a run-around-with-once-in-a-while kind of thing. Yes, they’re friendly and loyal and energetic and fun – and some of them are nicely quiet and intelligent – but most of them are stupid. Stupid stupid drooling shit-machines.

People say cats are unfriendly or ‘catty’ (well, duh!). Sure. Some cats are unfriendly all of the time, and all cats are unfriendly some of the time. But to me this is much more honest way of showing emotion, compared to the dumb loyalty you will get from any dog at any time. When a cat is friendly towards you (and not just hungry) then you know that it really likes you.

I miss my cat.

Strangely Nikolai

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