Strange Nikolai

not a stormtrooper

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Bonjela. The unspoken addiction.

Nobody talks about it, but that doesn’t make it less real. It’s swept under the rug like stale cornchips when your mother-in-law is visiting. It’s conveniently ignored like the KY in the bathroom cabinet. It’s kept behind closed doors like the gimp in the guest room closet… It’s one of the most addictive substances I’ve ever come across, and it claims to be healing! and I left mine at work.

The cravings are starting now, and not too difficult to deal with now – but pretty soon I’ll be hallucinating squirrels and sweating peanut butter, those squirrels love the peanut butter… nutty goodness… mmmm…

We give this stuff to babies for Jim’s sake! What is in this stuff that we force into babies mouths? Actually the stuff I have is the “adult” bonjela. I didn’t even know you could get “adult” bonjela. What is the difference I hear you asking? Or do I hear you asking? Are the hallunications[sic] starting already? Is there some illicit/alcoholic substance in it. Are the Bonjela hallucinations adult-themed? Do the adult themed hallucinations involve Bonjela? That’s a level of kinky that surpasses even me – but because I’ve thought of it, it must exist. There’s a rule.

Well, I don’t know!! “It’s a mystery…“, he says in a whispered tone. I can’t even look at the tube, as I don’t have the tube with me. I could google it, but sometimes I like to keep a little mystery in my life…

And it STINGS. It stings so good. How do babies stand it? Are these teething toddlers terrified of this terrible toothgel, or do they, like me, treasure the titillating tingle and tantalising taste??

I don’t know – but I don’t have any. And I want some. I’m jonesing…

Strangely Nikolai

Cats vs. Dogs

I was going to make this a “what I hate today” because the idea came to me while I was dodging dog shit this morning. I HATE stepping in dog shit, but I don’t necessarily hate dogs. Stupid dogs maybe.

And let’s face it – dogs are stupider than cats. Granted there are some smart dogs out there – but the VAST majority are thick as dogshit. Thicker than the dosgshit I almost stepped in this morning (and every other morning this month). The smartest dog would be smarter than the stupidest cat… but it would be close.

Here are my criteria for owning a pet:

1. Some aspect of meaningful interaction (otherwise what is the point??). Rules out: spiders, snakes, ants, tamagochi, pet rocks etc…

2. Doesn’t make annoying noises. Rules out: Yappy dogs, birds – including chickens, ducks, parakeets…

3. I don’t have to pick up excrement. Rules out: Most animals and some people.

Actually that last one is probably the most important. Picking up shit is not something I will voluntarily introduce to my life.  Why do people put up with it?? So what options does that leave me? Well, goldfish (nice, but only marginally meets criteria 1) and cats (assuming I live somewhere where the cat can get outdoors). Luckily I quite like cats (I had a goldfish once called Morphine… he was less chilled out than you might imagine…)

I like dogs too, but only as a run-around-with-once-in-a-while kind of thing. Yes, they’re friendly and loyal and energetic and fun – and some of them are nicely quiet and intelligent – but most of them are stupid. Stupid stupid drooling shit-machines.

People say cats are unfriendly or ‘catty’ (well, duh!). Sure. Some cats are unfriendly all of the time, and all cats are unfriendly some of the time. But to me this is much more honest way of showing emotion, compared to the dumb loyalty you will get from any dog at any time. When a cat is friendly towards you (and not just hungry) then you know that it really likes you.

I miss my cat.

Strangely Nikolai

What I hate today… menial workers

Is it politically correct to say Menial Workers? Do I care about political correctness? Not really, but I do care about being mean… this is not a class thing, I don’t hate all blue-collar type workers, there are specific people that are driving them up the wall, and they just happen to fit into the menial worker category…. or do they? I just thought of another person…

So. What brought this up? I hear you asking with baited breath and a sense of eager expectation normally reserved for those special nights when you know you’ll have the house to yourself and have found out the PIN code for the adult channels… Nothing quite that exciting I’m afraid – just this.

Every day, at work, I go to go to the loo. I walk maybe 100 metres down the corridor. And the toilets are closed for cleaning. Every. Day. Not every time I want to go to the toilet, just once each day. Around 1pm. Now before we explore the ‘what-the-fuck’-edness of this, let us address the concern that I may be meticulously time-planning my toliet breaks. I’m not. I usually go to the loo just before or after eating my lunch (don’t worry, I wash my hands), and it’s one of those weird co-incidences that whenever this happens, I look at my watch and it’s 1pm.

So back to the WTF!?! I like that our toilet is being cleaned every day, but who’s fukcing BRILLIANT idea was to time that for the middle of the work day. Around lunchtime. Every other office I have worked in has been cleaned after hours. This works for me. They have a job to do, but with just a little thought, they could make their job more efficient and not fuck with other people’s day.

And this is where I think, well yes, but why do you suppose they’re a cleaner in the first place? People who can think can generally get a better job…

Apply this same thing to glassies at a bar (if there is liquid in the vessel and someone sitting next to it, DON’T fucking pick it up), store workers at an electronics shop (if you don’t know the answer, DON’T fucking lie to me – I will come back and complain and yell in your ugly face until it makes me feel better), and supermarket workers (just ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!) – not to mention bus/train drivers etc..

Hence the menial workers. But maybe I should have said “stupid lazy non-thinkers” in general. Because there are people in EVERY office I have worked in who drive me insane in the exact same way. These are the people who leave passive aggressive notes about not being your mother and cleaning your own coffee cup, and complain to anyone who will listen about how they fill and turn on the dishwasher every day… which they invariably seem to do at what time? Around 1pm. So, anyone eating lunch later than that CANNOT fucking put their fucking dishes in the fucking dishwasher because the fucking dishwasher is fucking turned on. Oh, and if there are no plates left and the dishwasher is on then you don’t even have the option of washing one for yourself. Oh well, I’ll just eat my hot soup out of my hands…

People are stupid. But I am happy.

Strangely Nikolai

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