Strange Nikolai

not a stormtrooper

Definition of the Internet #5

It has been a while since I found a picture that really defines for me what the internet is all about. They usually involve Darth Vader for some reason…

Click the pic to see how Big Bird accuses Darth Vader of being a Goth who needs to go to a Rave and drop some pills… I can totally imagine Darth Vader as a DJ.

In other Darth Vader news, the voice himself, James Earl Jones received an honorary Oscar. Well done and well deserved.

This is not it. This is a different Oscar. But it ties back to the original pic you see. Spooky.

Strangely Nikolai


What I hate today… toothbrush companies.

You cannot buy a toothbrush any more without a tongue cleaner.   What the fruck is that about? (I’m so annoyed by this that I didn’t even use the TLA (Three Letter Acronym) for WTF, my annoyance is long and extracted, not sort, angry and capitalised. Also, I made a typo, but I liked it so much I’m going to stick with it).

Well there was one but it was a soft toothbrush. What’s the frucking point of that?? You couldn’t clean custard off a carving knife with a bloody SOFT toothbrush… (now my ire is rising, and with it, the capitalisation comes… the capitalisation always comes…).

I like a hard toothbrush, except they don’t call it that any more on the packaging. Maybe “hard” has too many sexual connotations. So now it’s soft, medium, and “firm”… maybe hard didn’t have enough sexual connotations?

Why the hell would I want a clean tongue? I’m meant to be a comedian! FRucking toothbrush technology, always trying to one up each other. “New deep throat scraper, for the porn star within”. It’s a frucking brush!

So I had to get one and it’s AWFUL – it’s a bit of textured rubber on the back of the brushhead and when you’re brushing it squeaks across your cheek or your other teeth.. Urghuhuh… it makes me shudder.

I have a bit of a thing about rubber. Not a good thing. I can’t stand rubber gloves or anything like that, it’s the smell that lingers on your hands no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and scrape and soak and boil and burn and peel… “Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this stink clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas en-stench…”

Latex is ok though thankfully, just in case you were worried. Although, what the fruck is with condoms?! Are they designed to make men look completely unco? If there us one point in the whole mating game where you don’t want to get embarrassed… that is it. First you have to get into the packet, and guys usually don’t have fingernails so that’s not as easy as it looks, then you have to work out which way it rolls – cos I can tell you from experience that trying to roll it the wrong way is not fun. Then it rolls about that far down and you’re like, is it secure? Should I leave it there? Will it catch on something and get left inside like a gumboot in the mud.

No, you can’t leave it there, you need to secure it properly, so you get your fingers under it – and this is where if you do have fingernails you’re in the shit – and stretch it down so it make that shlup-snap noise we associate with sitcom characters going through airport security…

You’d think they would come up with some better way… You’re always hearing ads about newfangled ways to insert tampons! As far as I can tell they have things called applicators which are just used to get it up there and then they break away, just like the main launch rockets of the space shuttle. We need to get some of those tampon and toothbrush technicians to tackle the todger topper.

I attacked my toothbrush with some nail clippers. No more tongue cleaner. It was still weird so I bought an electric toothbrush.

In other bathroom news, my girlfriend bought me a shower scrub shaped like Shaun the Sheep from Wallace and Gromit. It was very cute up until the moment I washed with it. The googly eyes now stare at me in accusatory shock. I tried turning him around so he wasn’t looking at me, but that seemed even worse when I had to wash my… latex holder…

Today you have learnt things about me you did not want to know. So have I my friend, so have I.

Strangely Nikolai

English people

I went to the London Zoo. Such a wide array of grunting smelly peabrained beasts. And I’m not talking about the animals. Boom. Classic pullback joke. It’s lazy joke writing at it’s best right here – well, maybe second best.. or third…

But seriously now (<<classic segue right there) it was madness, every fourth person we saw was pregnant, every third person has at least one child in tow and every second person we saw was smoking. Which, if you do the math, might suggest that every 24th person was pregnant, with more children in tow, and smoking. Which is about right…

We went to the “Gorilla Encounter”. What a fucking ridiculous name – it wasn’t an “encounter”, it was more  “gawk at the sleeping gorillas through the glass”. Anyway as we were walking in with all the chavs I was thinking – who would win in the fight between a chav and a gorilla. Well, it has to be the gorilla doesn’t it. And then I figure the gorilla would also win in the categories of IQ and beauty.

The zoo was nice though, just the bloody people. Which is what you can say about London in general…

Something else I saw today – at the other end of the social sprectrum – not someone walking their dog in their car, but this is the picture I found. No, it was two young girls on their bikes – with their mum driving along next to them. Not fast – barely more than walking pace.

There are 4 things that bothered me about this.
1) How fucking lazy do you have to be to DRIVE along while your daughters go for a bike ride? Well, maybe, just maybe, you have a broken leg and can’t walk or ride along with them… but then…
2) How fucking paranoid do you have to be to insist on driving along with your daughters when they go for a bike ride? This is not Harlem or Essex I’m talking about here – this is fucking Walton-on-Thames, where every house has an acre and a half, at least two cars and one of them is normally a porsche. Athough if you google Walton-on-Thames you might find a story about Milly Dowler…
3) Not only were the girls riding on the pavement and getting in the pedestrians way, the car was driving at less than 5mph and getting in the traffics way.
4) The girls weren’t wearing helmets! Come on now, if you’re going to be overbearing paranoid lazy rich fuckwit parents, at least make your children wear helmets.

While googling I found this story. I love his quote at the end – read it with a Souf London accent “I’m not boverred…”. I do like most english people. Really. Well, at least 15% of them…

Strangely Nikolai

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