Strange Nikolai

not a stormtrooper

Archive for the tag “big nose”

What I hate today… coffee cups

I have trouble with takeaway coffee cups. Well, I have trouble with cafe coffee in general. I am a coffee snob, I will freely admit that – but if a place advertises itself as a cafe then they should bloody well know something about coffee. The clue is in the name. But most coffee shops and cafes sell something that tastes like it has been scraped off a busy road and then mixed with scalding hot water (or milk if your prefer).

Not to mention the fucking prices and ridiculous sizes. Do you actually get more coffee when you go from the the tall to the venti or do they just fill it up with more milk. If I wanted a cup of milk I would have bloody asked for a cup of milk. I don’t like milk, but lets not get into that whole shitfight (I’m no coffee “purist” – I use sugar).

You’d think making a coffee without milk would be simpler. Ah, no. That’s where you’d be wrong. The thing about the milk is that it disguises most fuckups you make in grinding, tamping and pulling the coffee (technical terms. Can I be bothered explaining them? Not really… look here ). But to be honest, you don’t have to be that pernickity – it’s not fucking rocket science! Just keep your machine clean and you’ll mostly be ok.

So my drink of choice is a “long black”. This is really something that is only available in New Zealand (and perhaps Australia). Blah blah blah, New Zealand has some of the best coffee in the world (it’s true – I’d rate it third in the world behind Portugal and Italy) blah blah blah. Basically it’s a double espresso with some hot water added, but not as much hot water as an Americano. Often I will get an Americano when I ask for a long black and that really twists my tits. Is it really that different??? YES IT FUCKING IS!! Somewhere in between the two coffee turns from creamy coffee goodness to bitter hot water. (Actually this wikipedia page suggest it may be to do with the order you do things… hmmm… I still like a bit less hot water so 1) it is stronger and 2) it doesn’t spill over the edge and scald you. When I started getting longer hot blacks I learnt to ask for a short long – or a schlong as one of my regular barristas ┬ácalled it).

Anyway a design fault of the normal coffee paper cups is that if you put hot water in it, the curly brim starts to soften, especially around the vertical seam. And if, as seems to happen a disproportionate number of times (Come on barristas! It’s like you don’t even drink coffee. You should not be allowed to do that job if you don’t drink coffee), the lid is place with the seam facing you as you drink, it will then drip hot scalding coffee on you hand. What. The. Fuck. The paper coffee cup is specifically designed for one fucking purpose. To hold hot drinks, and enable safe drinking. This is one SERIOUS design flaw.

Also I JUST noticed something about me. Have a close look at that lid – there’s a hole for drinking and a tiny hole at the other end to let the air in while you are drinking so that it pours freely. Lately I’ve been getting coffee lids where, when I drink, my giant schnozz of a nose blocks the air intake and creates a vacuum inside the cup, which when suddenly released, causes the coffee to splash up, out of the cup, onto my hands, shirt, face, whatever…. that is my excuse anyway.

By the way, click the image above to link to someone else’s coffee cup blog complaints.

Strangely Nikolai



As in Jeff Goldblum. By adjective-ised up. But Goldblumy looks a bit like Corblimey which apparently originated from God Blind Me, which looks even more like Goldblumy. Which proves that Jeff Goldblum is actually a blind priest. Like Stevie Wonder.

So I’ve been told a few times over the past month, by random people who don’t know each other, that I look like Jeff Goldblum. More specifically Jeff Goldblum in the movies The Fly and Jurassic Park. His name is surprisingly hard to type so I’m just going to call him JG from now on, or Goldy, or the Jeffster, wasn’t the band on Chuck called Jeffster ? (convenient link – yes it was! Thanks Zemanta!) Do you even know what I’m talking about? Chuck. It’s a TV show about a nerd. Except in my terms he’s probably more of a geek than a nerd. But it’s America, y’know, they do things different (read “stupid”).

That’s two pics of JG btw, not a side by side comparison jobbie of me and him.

Personally I think the only similarities are that we’re both tall, wear glasses, have big noses, slightly olive skin, practically identical hair (except I can’t grow sideburns – fuck, I’d love some sideburns like that. That’s the only reason I put that second pic in. I have sideburn envy. They’re not even particularly impressive sideburns – just simple, stylish, sideburns. Want. Stupid facial hair. In other news, I just bought a new stubble trimmer. It’s Vidal Sassoon. OOOoooOOO! $39.99 from Farmers – down from $79.99. If you don’t know what Farmers is, nevermind. Anyway, back to the comparison…), my jawline, ears and mouth look pretty much exactly like that left pic, and our eyes are the same shape and colour. But apart from that…. hang on, we DO look alike!!!11!1!

No we don’t. Just cos all the bits look the same (wow that managed to sound rude – my bits look like JG’s) doesn’t mean I’m a JG doppleganger. I’m not even Jewish. And I can’t do a convincing american accent. And the only impression I can do is kermit. I like JG’s hand gestures – I might work on that…

Though when I fell off a cliff and died last year the twitscape (and some media – including Channel 9 news in Australia. Stupid aussies) reported that it was him. Stupid Goldblum. Stealing my death thunder. Death Thunder is my new band name. On Lego Rock Band. Which I bought on the weekend but haven’t played yet cos I was too busy doing other stuff. So I don’t even know if you get to set up your own name. But I hope you do.

Fuck, now you know where I live. DAMMIT. Or where I don’t live, I suppose…

Strangely Nikolai

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