Strange Nikolai

not a stormtrooper

Archive for the tag “sheep”

What I hate today… toothbrush companies.

You cannot buy a toothbrush any more without a tongue cleaner.   What the fruck is that about? (I’m so annoyed by this that I didn’t even use the TLA (Three Letter Acronym) for WTF, my annoyance is long and extracted, not sort, angry and capitalised. Also, I made a typo, but I liked it so much I’m going to stick with it).

Well there was one but it was a soft toothbrush. What’s the frucking point of that?? You couldn’t clean custard off a carving knife with a bloody SOFT toothbrush… (now my ire is rising, and with it, the capitalisation comes… the capitalisation always comes…).

I like a hard toothbrush, except they don’t call it that any more on the packaging. Maybe “hard” has too many sexual connotations. So now it’s soft, medium, and “firm”… maybe hard didn’t have enough sexual connotations?

Why the hell would I want a clean tongue? I’m meant to be a comedian! FRucking toothbrush technology, always trying to one up each other. “New deep throat scraper, for the porn star within”. It’s a frucking brush!

So I had to get one and it’s AWFUL – it’s a bit of textured rubber on the back of the brushhead and when you’re brushing it squeaks across your cheek or your other teeth.. Urghuhuh… it makes me shudder.

I have a bit of a thing about rubber. Not a good thing. I can’t stand rubber gloves or anything like that, it’s the smell that lingers on your hands no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and scrape and soak and boil and burn and peel… “Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this stink clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas en-stench…”

Latex is ok though thankfully, just in case you were worried. Although, what the fruck is with condoms?! Are they designed to make men look completely unco? If there us one point in the whole mating game where you don’t want to get embarrassed… that is it. First you have to get into the packet, and guys usually don’t have fingernails so that’s not as easy as it looks, then you have to work out which way it rolls – cos I can tell you from experience that trying to roll it the wrong way is not fun. Then it rolls about that far down and you’re like, is it secure? Should I leave it there? Will it catch on something and get left inside like a gumboot in the mud.

No, you can’t leave it there, you need to secure it properly, so you get your fingers under it – and this is where if you do have fingernails you’re in the shit – and stretch it down so it make that shlup-snap noise we associate with sitcom characters going through airport security…

You’d think they would come up with some better way… You’re always hearing ads about newfangled ways to insert tampons! As far as I can tell they have things called applicators which are just used to get it up there and then they break away, just like the main launch rockets of the space shuttle. We need to get some of those tampon and toothbrush technicians to tackle the todger topper.

I attacked my toothbrush with some nail clippers. No more tongue cleaner. It was still weird so I bought an electric toothbrush.

In other bathroom news, my girlfriend bought me a shower scrub shaped like Shaun the Sheep from Wallace and Gromit. It was very cute up until the moment I washed with it. The googly eyes now stare at me in accusatory shock. I tried turning him around so he wasn’t looking at me, but that seemed even worse when I had to wash my… latex holder…

Today you have learnt things about me you did not want to know. So have I my friend, so have I.

Strangely Nikolai


Some things I hate today…

I have a few things on my hate list today. I am filled with rage. Well… not really. Mostly I’m filled with blood and internal organs. And to be quite honest my current mood is one of mild annoyance. If I had a mood ring on, I think it would be puce (It’s a colour. No really).

Lesser men might save each thing for it’s own individual hate post, but NO! I will vent all of my hateness in one extended vomitoria (it’s latin. And probably conjugated wrong. meh.). This might mean you will only get one blog post from me in the next week, but you know what? I didn’t promise you anything. Just because I updated lots in the first week. Surely that happens with every blog. You can’t tell me what to do, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM!! (and if you’re wondering why I spelled that the American way – i.e. wrong – when I’m clearly not American, it’s because I’m being ironic. And in case you don’t think that’s “ironic” kindly fuck off read this link which explains that I can use irony whatever way I like. Nah nah nah nah nah naaah).

My first hate for the day is the Loser Cruiser. Otherwise known as the bus. Public transport. I know, I know, complaining about public transport is so last millenium (I bet that’s the first time you’ve seen that phrase in 9 or 10 years. Stupid millenium), but I had thought I’d got past the phase of my life where I would need to catch the loser cruiser with all the other… well, losers. I thought I was finally better than them. But I’m not. Ever since some dickwad stole my moped and broke it into pieces. It already had a flat tyre and a broken taillight – who steals a broken bike?? How do you even do that??? Ironically, the tyre and taillight were two things that had been fixed when I got the pieces of my bike back – but they broke the headlights and the seat and the starter motor and the wing mirrors and a whole bunch of other crap.

And what’s up with bus drivers? You’d think that as that is what they do all day, they might actually get good at it. HeeeEEELLLL NO! (you have to imagine that as if a Jamaican was saying it). You basically get two types of bus drivers; The old and slow. They’re old. And so so slow; And the fat and mad. Stomp that gas pedal fatty, then brake as hard as you can, go around corners as if you’re in a slalom race. It’s ok, I wanted bruises from the “safety” bars – and I didn’t know the crazy “lady” sitting next to me well enough, but now we’re basically married. Anything to get you to your McDonalds quicker.

My second hate of the day is Spring. Fuck Spring. I’m talkin bout the season, not some newfangled sex toy. All new Fuckspring. Bounce bounce bounce your way to new heights of lovemaking. In theory, Spring is wonderful. Gambolling little lambies, flowers blooming, warm weather with the occasional sunshower. Bull. Shit. It warms up for a couple of days just to trick your internal thermostat to go into summer mode and then it’s fucking cold again, and pouring with torrential rain. Spring is the primetime for man-flu. And all the new flowers and crap don’t exactly help out there. Fuck Autumn as well. Autumn is the same crap the other way around.

My third hate, and this is a hate I’ve had for a long time. This is no temporary hate that may ebb and flow like the tides. This is a permanent hate like the sea cliff that all those lemmings hurl themselves off in their agony at the cruelty of the world. Lemmings are so emo. And it is this: People who don’t pay attention to what is going on around them. I kinda hate that I don’t have a more succinct way of putting that so I will have to acronym that shit. PWDPATWIGOAT. Hmmm, I like the goat bit at the end, but I can do better than that. TWAATS. Those Who Aren’t Aware of Their Surroundings.

You KNOW who I mean. The people on the street who stop to talk while effectively blocking anyone from getting past, or walk five abreast (or two abreast if it’s mothers with prams) and go so slowly that you just want to scream. The people in the club who do not realise they have dumped their  “Gucchi” handbags on the main thoroughfare to the bar or the toilets – and then get annoyed when you step on them and break their GK sunglasses. The people on the bus – and this is where all my RAGE for the day culminates into one big whiney feel-sorry-for-me moment – who do not fucking realise that having the window open on the left side of the bus means the right side of the bus gets the draft (the air goes to the back and around – it’s not rocket science), and also don’t realise that perhaps when everyone is shivering and wearing jackets it may be too cold to have the window open, even when it is Spring, and especially when the person opposite has the FUCKING MAN-FLU!!  Although I think it was an actual cold this time because my fiance also got it and it put both of us out of action for basically 3 days.

Rant over.

Strangely Nikolai


What I hate today #2…

Today I hate OOS (it rhymes with goose in case you were wondering. Or moose, if you’re canadian. Actually I think it still rhymes with moose if you’re not canadian, but I don’t know the other countries where there are mooses. Is “mooses” correct? Or it it just moose. 1 moose, many moose. Like “sheep”. Tall sheep. With antlers. And brownish fur/hair rather than wool. Are there canadian geese? Because that’s easier. Except it doesn’t rhyme with geese – it rhymes with goose. Or loose. But not lose. “Loose” like your slutty sister, not “lose” like what she did with her virginity when she turned 15. I fucking hate people who mix those words up. GRRRRRR. But I might leave my grammar hate for another day. And close this bracket already. Sheesh.)

I understand lots of people don’t know what OOS is. You know what, I can’t be fucked explaining it. That’s what tinternet is for. Here, learn to interweb:

So yeah, I have OOS and I hate it. What a fucking self-pitying post this is. Waah waah waah, my arm is sore, waah waaah. Yes I hate myself (not heaps, just a little bit. I’m far too awesome to hate for too long. Oh yeah, I said it). But it does suck. It just means you can’t do stuff. Like mouse (I’m using mouse as a verb here rather than a noun). Especially I can’t mouse-wheel. Which is the coolest bit of the mouse. Suck on that Apple! (not the fruit) (also I think a lot of apple mouses now have scroll wheels… so it’s basically an outdated taunt… meh, not feeling the Apple hate today)

So I bought this sweeeet pen tablet ting and it was all good for a couple of weeks, then it failed so I sent it back and got a replacement, but now when I install it it only works for one screen. I work with at least two. Yes, I’m gangsta geek chic le freak (wtf am I talking about?). Holla (I don’t even know what that means). So I tinterweb that shit and all the forums and helpsites say that it never worked on dual screen. What?? But I had it working??? Fuckers!

I had a massage last week (there’s something I can’t do anymore as well, give massages. It’s not just an excuse. honestly. Seriously, being able to give good massage is an important weapon in any teenage boy’s arsenal. Not that I’ve been a teenager for a long time. And it doesn’t look likely that I will be in the future) and the masseuse (rhymes with OOS) really got into the shoulder muscles and made it all hurt. It was damn good. Now I’ll have that song in my head for the rest of the day… hurts so good, come on baby make it hurt so good… But massage won’t fix OOS. So I’m back to complaining.

I need a holiday.

Strangely Nikolai

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